Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
This is my gift to your gina
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
