he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
