Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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