mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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