Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
