I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
