Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
