And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
