i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize
