I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
