I must be too annoying 4 u.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
