i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
How drunk are you?
Completed.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
