hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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