wanna go halves on a baby?
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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