"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i believe in u and ur pee
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
