I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
