I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
