The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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