The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
