He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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