I smell stomach acid.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He felt like a one man threesome
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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