On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
