First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
