Cold hands, warm shart.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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