i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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