I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
