My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
its not stalking. its research.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize