She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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