I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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