I think im going to throw up on grandma
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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