The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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