I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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