we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
