I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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