Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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