Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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