my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Dicks are not precious.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
