the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
