I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
