I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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