My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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