Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
