idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
