wakey wakey hands off snakey
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize