I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
