I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize