yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I am naked and annoyed.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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