ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Sober January is a disaster.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
