Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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