I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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