if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
