if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
you had me at cake vodka
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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