What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
