i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
