I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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