Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize